January 21, 2013

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A six year old first-grader at White Marsh Elementary was suspended on Jan. 10th for bringing a weapon to school. The first-grader had somehow sneaked a pretend finger gun onto the school's campus and had planned on going on a pretend shooting spree at recess. “This could have been one of the worst pretend tragedies our school has ever experienced,” said the school's teary-eyed principal. “We owe a huge thank you to those who helped prevent this tragedy.”

It was first reported that two students had been suspended, but it was later discovered that only one student faced suspension after the incident. “After talking with both kids we discovered that the one student was using a low caliber pretend pistol while the other student was using a billion, trillion caliber gun that could hold, like a gazillion bullets,” said the principal in her statement. “We immediately suspended him due to the amount of pretend carnage a weapon like that could do.”

The parents of the student insist that the incident is out of character for their son and said they are still trying to figure out how the boy was able get hold of the pretend finger gun and take it to school. “We keep all of our pretend weapons locked up in a pretend gun case and we have made it clear that he can not take any pretend finger guns to school,” said the boy's mother.

The school immediately organized a meeting for parents and students to voice their concerns. At the meeting, school officials announced that they will hold a finger buy back program on Jan. 27th in an effort to get pretend finger guns off the street. “The school is low on funds so we will offer lunch vouchers,” said the school's principal. “For high caliber pointer fingers you can get a whole lunch and for pinkies you will be able to get a side dish of your choice. Vouchers will not be allowed on Sloppy Joe day.”

The pretend nightmare began five minutes into recess, when the two boys who had planned the pretend shooting apparently turned their pretend guns on each other and opened fire. An alert student immediately notified a guidance counselor who was serving recess duty. “I heard a lot of pow, and bam, bam; it was terrifying,” said the clearly distraught counselor. “It appeared that they both had high capacity clips because they just kept shooting. Neither one stopped to pretend to reload. If these two had gone after other students instead of each other who knows how many pretend deaths we would be dealing with right now.”

The school's principal was home on the day of the pretend tragedy dealing with flu-like symptoms when she received the call about the pretend shooting. “I received a call at thirteen hundred hours,” said the principal, trying to talk as dramatically as possible, “about two students having a pretend shootout on the playground. I quickly assessed the situation and told the guidance counselor to suspend which ever one she thought was the ringleader. If she couldn't decide which one was the ringleader, I told her to just suspend whichever one she liked less.”

The guidance counselor, whose job it is to help guide these young children through the early stages of their lives and make good decisions, decided to immediately suspend the child who seemed to be sporting the more dangerous pretend gun. The parents of the child were immediately called and told to pick their child up.

This is not the first time the school has had to deal with a pretend tragedy. In 2005, the school had to suspend a second-grader after he pretended to be a pirate on the playground and was forcing students to walk the plank and plunge into pretend shark infested waters. The pretend pirate and pretend shark were both suspended and later put on trial for piracy. The school defended their actions at the time saying, “If we had allowed the behavior to continue, we are sure that it would have lead to pretend raping and pillaging.”

Administrators sent letters home to all parents making it clear that the school would take a hard stance against all imagination going forward. The letter indicated that imaginary weapons of any kind would result in suspension. The letter outlined a number of imaginary weapons which included imaginary finger guns, imaginary swords, imaginary maces, imaginary lasers, pretend bitch-slapping and even imaginary mallets. The letter was unclear on imaginary armor.

School administrators also wanted to make it clear that all imaginary wrestling, war play, cops and robbers, dragons and knights, piracy, freeze tag, and tea parties would also result in suspensions.  Parents have been advised that the school will adopt a new dress code which will consist of white, gray, or  whitish-gray polo shirts with blue dungarees in an effort to limit imaginary play. “We're going to knock the hippie out of these imagination junkies,” said one school official, “if it's the last thing we do.”


**DISCLAIMER: The blog is intended for mature audiences and can't be held liable for corrupting young minds. It is also not factual and was created for entertainment purposes, not actual news coverage. If any part of this blog or the opinions expressed offend you, LIGHTEN UP!


January 21, 2013

Comments (7)

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I think the boy's mother should voluntarily release her son's behavioral records and also disclose what his FIRST first grade suspension was all about. Then maybe we can judge.

Terry more than 1 years ago

It's a Shame

It is a shame that a boy with a long documented history of serious behavioral problems is going to slip though the cracks. Joke all you want, but the school was not able to tell the real story, leaving the parents, once again, to ignore the problem and live in a fog that their son is just a typical boy. We all blame schools and parents when bad behavior manifests itself into something more, down the road. This was the school's attempt to instill some much needed early intervention. It is terrible for the Star Democrat, The Drudge Report, and Fox News to jump on the bandwagon with out actually reporting fairly.

Bill more than 1 years ago


Stupid AND in poor taste. Congratulations.

Clark Kent more than 1 years ago


I nominate you for School Board. We need you! This made me smile and wonder where in the world is TCPS's common sense. I'm wondering about the tea parties though.

Cari Corey more than 1 years ago


Thanks Teri! Sorry your family went through this, but at least we can find some humor in the situation.

Thanks Tim. I appreciate it!

Phil more than 1 years ago

Love it

"This article's a framer" said the boy's mother :) Thank you for a much needed giggle!

Teri Bildstein more than 1 years ago


Nice Phil. Really good, solid piece. Love it

Tim Weigand more than 1 years ago

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