A six year old first-grader at White Marsh Elementary was suspended on Jan. 10th for bringing a weapon to school. The first-grader had somehow sneaked a pretend finger gun onto the school's campus and had planned on going on a pretend shooting spree at recess. “This could have been one of the worst pretend tragedies our school has ever experienced,” said the school's teary-eyed principal. “We owe a huge thank you to those who helped prevent this tragedy.”
It was first reported that two students had been suspended, but it was later discovered that only one student faced suspension after the incident. “After talking with both kids we discovered that the one student was using a low caliber pretend pistol while the other student was using a billion, trillion caliber gun that could hold, like a gazillion bullets,” said the principal in her statement. “We immediately suspended him due to the amount of pretend carnage a weapon like that could do.”
The parents of the student insist that the incident is out of character for their son and said they are still trying to figure out how the boy was able get hold of the pretend finger gun and take it to school. “We keep all of our pretend weapons locked up in a pretend gun case and we have made it clear that he can not take any pretend finger guns to school,” said the boy's mother.
The school immediately organized a meeting for parents and students to voice their concerns. At the meeting, school officials announced that they will hold a finger buy back program on Jan. 27th in an effort to get pretend finger guns off the street. “The school is low on funds so we will offer lunch vouchers,” said the school's principal. “For high caliber pointer fingers you can get a whole lunch and for pinkies you will be able to get a side dish of your choice. Vouchers will not be allowed on Sloppy Joe day.”
The pretend nightmare began five minutes into recess, when the two boys who had planned the pretend shooting apparently turned their pretend guns on each other and opened fire. An alert student immediately notified a guidance counselor who was serving recess duty. “I heard a lot of pow, and bam, bam; it was terrifying,” said the clearly distraught counselor. “It appeared that they both had high capacity clips because they just kept shooting. Neither one stopped to pretend to reload. If these two had gone after other students instead of each other who knows how many pretend deaths we would be dealing with right now.”
The school's principal was home on the day of the pretend tragedy dealing with flu-like symptoms when she received the call about the pretend shooting. “I received a call at thirteen hundred hours,” said the principal, trying to talk as dramatically as possible, “about two students having a pretend shootout on the playground. I quickly assessed the situation and told the guidance counselor to suspend which ever one she thought was the ringleader. If she couldn't decide which one was the ringleader, I told her to just suspend whichever one she liked less.”
The guidance counselor, whose job it is to help guide these young children through the early stages of their lives and make good decisions, decided to immediately suspend the child who seemed to be sporting the more dangerous pretend gun. The parents of the child were immediately called and told to pick their child up.
This is not the first time the school has had to deal with a pretend tragedy. In 2005, the school had to suspend a second-grader after he pretended to be a pirate on the playground and was forcing students to walk the plank and plunge into pretend shark infested waters. The pretend pirate and pretend shark were both suspended and later put on trial for piracy. The school defended their actions at the time saying, “If we had allowed the behavior to continue, we are sure that it would have lead to pretend raping and pillaging.”
Administrators sent letters home to all parents making it clear that the school would take a hard stance against all imagination going forward. The letter indicated that imaginary weapons of any kind would result in suspension. The letter outlined a number of imaginary weapons which included imaginary finger guns, imaginary swords, imaginary maces, imaginary lasers, pretend bitch-slapping and even imaginary mallets. The letter was unclear on imaginary armor.
School administrators also wanted to make it clear that all imaginary wrestling, war play, cops and robbers, dragons and knights, piracy, freeze tag, and tea parties would also result in suspensions. Parents have been advised that the school will adopt a new dress code which will consist of white, gray, or whitish-gray polo shirts with blue dungarees in an effort to limit imaginary play. “We're going to knock the hippie out of these imagination junkies,” said one school official, “if it's the last thing we do.”
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