While Talbot County had the highest early voting turnout in the state, Tuesday's primary election fell short with only eight people showing up to vote.
About 20% of those eligible to vote last week did, or roughly the number of people who attended the grand opening of Golden Corral. “If you can get people as interested in their elected officials as they are in a meatloaf platter, then you've really done something,” said Talbot County's Election Director.
“We had a lot of phone calls about no one running on the Democratic side, but that's really no excuse not to go vote for the rest of the ticket,” said the election director. “You can always do write-ins if you don't like the choices on the ticket. Doesn’t anyone remember the four-year period that Bugs Bunny was president of Easton's town council? Those were the four most productive years in Easton's history. Of course this later lead to the law that banned cartoon characters from being able to serve in office.” This law would later be revised after Morris the Cat won a spot on the town council. Sadly, Morris' term was cut short when he chewed through a wire during a meeting at the town office and was shot 20 feet across the room. The current law states that only living, breathing humans can now hold office in the state of Maryland. While several candidates’ qualifications under this law have been questioned, so far no one on the ticket has been deemed unqualified.
The chairman of the Talbot County Democratic Central Committee admitted that he was disgusted with the turnout and said that they are already kicking around ideas about how to increase voter turnout for the next election. “We are considering a number of options,” he said, “A few of the options we have considered are door prizes such as free kittens with a chance of upgrading to a puppy, a fifty-fifty raffle or setting up a bar where voters can get good and liquored up before entering the polls.”
The election committee has also thrown around the idea of offering up candidates that don’t make people sick to their stomachs. “The problem we're having is that likable people don't seem to want to run for office,” said the head of the Talbot County Republican Central Committee. “It's as if there is an ad out there that says, 'Political office available, only douche bags need apply,' and they seem to be coming in droves.”
Another idea discussed was lowering the age at which one could serve in office. “We considered lowering the age requirement for Talbot County offices to 10 years old,” continued the official. “Have you watched them organize a pickup game of touch football? Very organized little buggers. And they also seem to only spend money they have. When they run out of money, they just stop spending it. We're thinking that maybe that concept would work in government.”
However, Talbot County voters did not have the least political apathy on the shore; that title fell to Caroline County where only 16.6% of eligible voters made it to the polls. “We're contemplating letting people vote on behalf of their neighbors next year,” said one Caroline County election official. “As long as you have a note from your neighbor, you can cast a vote for them. This should get our numbers up and we're pretty sure the honor system will work just fine in this situation.” The official went on to say that they may move their polling station to local auction houses as 96% of Caroline County residents had attended such facilities within the past seven days.
On the Mid-Shore, Kent County had the highest turnout at 23.13 %. Kent officials said the secret to their success was setting up their voting booths in the middle of streets so people had no choice but to vote. “This seemed to work like a charm,” said one official who asked to remain anonymous, “and our injury rate was relatively low as only 18 election officials were hospitalized for being run over.”
Talbot officials admit that they have curbed their optimism for future elections and are considering forgoing elections altogether. In its place, they would use their money and resources to throw “one heck of a block party.” Based on residents’ feedback, the block party idea would be better attended than the November elections.
**DISCLAIMER: The blog is intended for mature audiences and can't be held liable for corrupting young minds. It is also not factual and was created for entertainment purposes, not actual news coverage. If any part of this blog or the opinions expressed offend you, LIGHTEN UP!